the scariest night of my life

our old house was very old. very cool, but very old. anyways, i thought i'd write about this story because 1.) it's very funny, and 2.) aubrey said i should. i was home alone one evening/night, and i was walking outside to check the mail. let me set the scene: we had to walk down the back staircase, around the front of the house, and onto the wrap-a-round porch that faced piedmont road. piedmont road is full of hookers and homeless people. no criminals really, because the hookers keep them away. ironic, but true. so i was rounding the porch, which is completely concealed by trees/bushes. i've actually had to go into this disaster more than once, as the cats we used to own used to jump from the second story windows to escape the wonderful lives they had inside. anyways, now i've lost my train of thought.....oh yes, so i was rounding the porch and what do i see all of 3 feet in front of me? a dead man! an actual dead man. as one can imagine, being a white girl from cleveland, i flipped the fuck out. took off running as fast as i could, like marathon man fast, flew back up the stairs and locked myself in the house. i had no idea where kristen was, but i knew aubrey was out to dinner. i started frantically calling her, as i had no idea what to do with the dead man. she does not answer. the 15 times i call her. her phone has one ring that sucks. ass. well i can't be in my house with a dead man on the front porch. so i go to the next door neighbors, taking the long way, as i was not going to pass the dead man again. the moment he sees me he asks what in the hell was i doing flying by his back door a minute ago. i understood his confusion, but there was no time. i tell him the story and he agrees to come and look at what i had seen. we walk slowly up. i hide in the bushes, but the neighbor walks right up to him. the man is breathing. apparantly not dead at all. just sleeping. i am a retard. whatever, there was still a man passed out on my porch. as luke (the neighbor) tells him to get up and get on, the man refuses. and the little white girl in the bushes is saying, child-like, mind you, "go! get out of here! now! leave!" i'm sure he was scared. the man then proceeds to tell luke that he wasn't leaving because he in fact lived in my house. i can assure you that this is not the case. the homeless man was confused, thought my house was his homeless shelter. apparantly it really resembled the actual homeless shelter on ponce. we moved one month later.